I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize