you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
