Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize