I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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