are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
