quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
