So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
is that a dick in a sweater?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
