ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
