i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
