Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
