First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
