I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
