In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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