My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
