Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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