We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Threesome in a minivan. New low
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
