Having a random hookup so left but love u
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
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