I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
