You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
