I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
