MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm passing your future prison.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
