I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
