omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
