You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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