btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
