I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
