Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
