i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
