my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
