i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i love accidental penises.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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