i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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