I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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