dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just threw up on my dentist
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
