his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
