What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize