its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
