she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
