I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
