Don't make out with my wife yet
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
