Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
