She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
