After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
