Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize