and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Im part way to drunk.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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