I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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