Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You need Xanax blowdarts
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
