she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
