My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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