there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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