i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
