We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
The uberlube is also flammable
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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