we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
