If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
