Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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