I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
