Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
