I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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