You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize