So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
