Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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