my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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