Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
PANTIES FOUND
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
